Trombones
From Duke Band
Needing little introduction, the DUMB trombone section -- henceforth commonly known as the "DUMBones" -- is a pillar of musical integrity upon which all other sections must depend, not unlike the ancient yet still-standing columns of the Parthenon. Consecrated as a living monument to the glory of marching band, the DUMBones prefer to avoid outlandish and superficial claims of section superiority, badassery, or mythical virility. Rather, actions speak louder than words (although not as loud as our music), and we leave you to draw your own conclusions.
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[edit] DUMBone History
The Bonehistory is a long and engrossing tale, passed orally down through the generations to be recorded in this most sacrosanct of histories.
Bones have been the dominant force in band politics since 2006. Beginning with our illustrious and much-beloved fellow Bone, Tiny, whose grace and love of apples earned her the devotion of the band (much like Queen Elizabeth I), bones have held an uninterrupted chokehold on the band presidency. Tiny passed her rule on to Baby Boum, who ceded to Scotch upon his graduation. Scotch, in turn, ruled for two years consecutively, and was a critical force in the bid to get all brass players stipends. Yay, Scotch! Scotch has now gone on to greener pastures, but our fair Bonepresident Cujo has stepped up. Though she took over in only May 2010, by July 2010 we have seen increases in recruits and verbosity of emails.
Other politically inclined Bones include: Jedi, who was Drum Major 2008-2010; BAM!, who was Section Leader and Secretary 2009-2010; Cujo, who was Secretary 2008-2009 and Class Wars Monarch 2009-2010; Nips, who was Section Leader 2001-2008; Boum, who also held the title of Section Leader 2008-2009; Scotch, who was also Secretary 2007-2008; and Beef, who was Treasurer 2008-2010, Section Leader 2010-2011, and Beer Wench 2008-2011.
[edit] DUMBone Prehistory
The origin and creation of today’s well-recognized DUMBone species is still something of a hotly-contested debate, sufficiently controversial as to precipitate several landmark legal battles including the Scopes vs. State trial in 1925 [1] and the Kansas evolution hearings later in 2005 [2].
Some groups maintain that the DUMBones were entirely a result of Divine Incantation, created on the Seventh Day shortly before God rested, hence their holy status.
Most current scientific authorities, however, now lean towards the theory of bonevolution. While the details are disputed, the leading hypothesis suggests that the DUMBones evolved via natural selection amongst the other DUMB sections. Starting with a DUMB common ancestor that participated in musical endeavors via percussive means (banging rocks together), the DUMBones gradually evolved by lacking traits such as reeds and valves which proved detrimental to survival. Luckily for the rest of the musical species, DUMB provided an isolated ecosystem in which the unfavorable mutations were not eliminated entirely via extinction and predators, but rather sheltered and allowed to continue habitation, albeit far below the DUMBones on the food chain.
The co-existence of DUMBones and their regular trombone-playing counterparts is another issue of speculation. Formerly, biologists believed the DUMBone and trombone to be slight variations of the same popultion: subspecies entirely capable of intermingling and producing young based on the biological definition of species. However, newer phylogenetic/cladistic methods suggest that the DUMBone may be sufficiently different as to belong to a different species group, sharing a common ancestor – Megalobone -- approximately 1.5 million years back, and then differentiating by sympatric means once genetic change occurred and they were isolated within the population.
[edit] Bone Names and Taxonomy
The Bonename, bequeathed to new bones during Bonenight (see "Traditions"), is a long-held DUMBone custom in which newest members of the section are re-named by bone upperclassmen. Names are typically generated on a story, facts, physical appearance, or anecdotes provided by the new bone... thus alluding to various aspects of the new bone's life and interests.
Once the new bone provides a story or background information, the naming procedure is an open brainstorm session with several names being suggested and evaluated by the Bone Elders. Much discussion ensues, and a name is finally selected when there is a general consensus of acceptance. The new bone holds veto power, and the Bonename cannot be finalized without agreement from the one being named.
A byproduct of the Bonename selection process is a sort of Bonename "lineage," in that the person who was first to suggest the final Bonename takes credit for the new DUMBone's identity. Since all upperclassmen bones share the story of their DUMBone namesake to new members, it is not uncommon to be able to trace back Bonename lineage for several generations.
[edit] Current Bone Roster
- The Dean - Bone Overlord
- Beef - 2011
- Cujo - 2011
- Puff - 2011
- Foxy - 2012
- Guv'na - 2012
- Sasquatch - 2013
- Tokyo - 2013
- Alamo - 2013
- Squirtle - 2013
- Bronco - 2014
- Pope - 2014
- Valdez - 2014
[edit] Old Fart (graduated and/or part-time) Bones
- Link -- 2012
- Mega -- 2011
- Shoes -- 2011
- BAM! - 2010
- Jedi - 2010
- Scotch - 2010
- Dre - 2009
- Boum - 2009
- Nips - 2009
- Tate - 2009
- Moses -- 2009
- Skittles -- ?
- Giblets - 2008
- Tiny - 2007
- Chops -- ?
- Jizzle -- ?
- Hash -- ?
- Hops -- ?
- Sticky - 2007
- Balls - 2007
- Minor - 2007
- Short & Sexy - 2006
[edit] Bone Traditions
Bonenight -- Christianity has baptism, Judaism has bar & bat-mitzvahs, Native American culture has vision quests. But they all have got nothin' on Bonenight. Bonenight is the joyous ceremony in which former "trombone" players become DUMBones. Held annually in mid to late August, Bonenight features hours of corpulent feasting upon the fares of cheap buffet food and wearing of traditional festive attire while stories are shared by the Bone Elders. New bones introduce themselves and tell tales of their lives, then wait as the Bone Elders convene to determine a moniker best suited to their individual character. Upon acceptance of a Bonename, the new DUMBone becomes one of the tribe and their civilian name is soon forgotten for all but bookkeeping purposes. Next, the new bone becomes a man upon participation of Vermonster speed-eating with the other bonebretheren. Current record for time stands in the sub-3-minute range. Revelry usually continues long into the night with bonetivities and excursions to unsuspecting retail facilities such as TJ Maxx or Ross.
Bonenames -- If you don't have one, you ain't a DUMBone. See "Bonenight" details above.
Surfing -- Bones, as a section, have been honored enough to be the waves beneath the Blue Devil's gnarly moves for many years now. We have propelled such illustrious figures as the Blue Devil, Crazy Towel Guy, and Jay Bilas across the sacred court of Cameron Indoor Stadium. At the 16:00 time out in the first half of the game, the band strikes up a rousing rendition of Wipeout and the Bones take the far side of Cameron in a charge worthy of William Wallace, throw themselves upon the most blessed of courts, and roll until they reach the other side. For this, they are often featured on TV.
Bonejangles -- Bonefood is a central theme of DUMBone life, and Bonejangles is no exception. When the DUMBones need greasy Southern comfort food to power earth-rattling bass lines and energetic shows, they pile into their collective bonemobiles and patronize their favorite fried chicken establishment known as Bonejangles [3]
DUMBone "Man v. Food" Tour of Durham -- There once was a man named Adam Richman. And that man must have been a DUMBone in a former life. In the show "Man v. Food," [4] Adam travels the country and tackles excellent homegrown dining and food challenges in cities across America. Naturally, Durham was a featured stop. In the 2009-2010 academic year, the bones were the only section man enough to re-visit all dining establishments featured on the show. Legend has it that they were still so hungry afterward that they butchered and ate a member of the Drumline. For the 2010-2011 year, the bones are determined to not only tour the entire Durham "Man v. Food" region, but also the entire famed Triangle region from season #1.
T-Bones -- Two words: bold & spicy. The DUMBones' favorite use for steak sauce curiously doesn't involve steak.
Manbone Night -- To title this event as "Man Bonenight" would be a misnomer, as it would imply a traditional Bonenight with masculocentric tendencies or open exclusively to men. However, this is not the case. Rather, Manbone Night is an evening in which all things manly are celebrated, by both male and female bones. The night typically begins with a tackle football match, which is open to individuals of other sections such as Drumline and Trumpets if they are deemed manly enough. From there, all participants proceed to a hearty carnivorous family-style dinner at Bullock's BBQ in which food is served in heaping steel buckets. With the blood no longer circulating to the brain due to the massive effort of digestion, the bones then head back to campus to finish the night with manly exploding action films, manly music, and manly beverages.
Bonegressive
Boneshirts -- The DUMBones are naturally an enterprising lot, and thus annually devise further tangible ways to display their bonepride. The standard for this is the "boneshirt," an article of clothing designed each year with a new bone-themed design. As the name suggests, the item is frequently a shirt; however, recent years have seen the addition of bone basketball jerseys, bone sweatshirts, and (of course) the classic bone t-shirt.
Bonetivities -- A collective term for the dustbin of extraneous activities occurring withing the brotherhood of bonehood yet not encompassed by other existing definitions. Ranging all the way from the debaucherous to the benign, bonetivites include -- but are not limited to -- impromptu parties, game nights, movie viewings, and even sporting events.
Jewprayer -- Although the bones generally maintain a nondenominational existence, there is one slight exception. The moments before entering onto the field for halftime are a sacred experience, hovering ominously and weighing upon the soul like a promised deed left unfinished. To ease the tension, we look to our long-standing lineage of fellow Jewish bones who are familiar with the concept of pushing through times of strife. It is at that time which we bow our heads for the Jewprayer. Although 90% of us haven't the faintest idea of what is being said, the hurried phrases of Hebrew flood our ears with encouragement and energy to tackle all that may come.
Catchphrase -- The DUMBones have always had a way with words. And when it comes to showing all the other sections that they can put Dr. Broca and Dr. Wernicke to shame, there is no better way to do it than with Catchphrase. A game based on verbal association, Catchphase just goes to show that all DUMBones are genetically programmed to think alike, thus allowing them to excel whilst assembled as a team, working precisely as an oiled machine. Rounds are often played solely within the section to hone skills and promote bone jocundity, then later expanded to challenge other sections in order to assert DUMBone dominance within the band. One particularly notable instance of this occurred on a fateful day -- February 19th in the 2009th year of our Bonelord -- in which the Clarinets challenged the DUMBones to a game of Catchphrase. Needless to say, the DUMBones won and and gruesome details of the match will be omitted here for the faint of heart. No section has since challenged the bones in a similar manner. The current DUMBone Catchphase favorite is the "Music Edition," being that the original version has been entirely exhausted and is now known by heart.
